Conscious Decision

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Conscious Decision 

Generally our decisions about life are made by default and we do what most of the people known to us are doing. Normally many options are available to us but we don’t explore them and take conscious decisions. The choices made may also be under pressure by family, peers & society/community at large. But it is important that we ourselves determine what’s right for us and what to do with our lives. It is your life. Take your own decisions. Your divergent choice may threaten those close to you. Parents & grandparents may get confused & defensive, friends may feel abandoned. Losing their support and a feeling of being misunderstood may frustrate you but explaining your point of view & reasons with gentleness, openness, and tolerance remaining calm, persistent & consistent and clear in communication shall win back those who truly love you. They will stand by & support your choices. 

Unpredictability is a way of life in today’s time and it is natural to face the ups and downs of life. One’s self-belief shall steer him/her successfully towards goal despite the unprecedented challenges. Be positive, do not stay in dark (negative) space for long, remain hopeful, give time & work hard as no goal is unachievable.

The reality surrounding us provides one an opportunity to have lifetime experiences which help discover a variety of emotions, some make him/her face a dilemma and get lost in the whirlpool of life. The emotional highs & lows help us understand our obscure lives. Get purged of emotional baggage by engaging in your hobby like passionately reading a book.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

As the person you’re talking to isn’t in front of you, social media also gives you a license to criticize or be hurtful towards others. This makes a lot of difference in expressing your resentment over some issue or even justifies your point. It may give you time to think clearly, type and send your message while increasing your vocabulary but it decreases face to face communication skills. You might lack confidence to speak or feel utterly shy when you meet people offline. You might even portray unconsciously, inappropriate gestures, or in rare cases the other person might feel that you’re fake if you’re not what you seemed to be. This can cause identity crisis. It creates a skewed self-image. Again, your feelings are inauthentic. Maybe you’re just trying to be good and look to please them of your personality or just vice versa, show ignorance if you don’t like them at first sight. This is often found in using dating applications. It diminishes understanding and thoughtfulness. While interacting with someone online, people may possess talking skills, but in real fail to even show their true worth. This may cause other to stop the interaction hitherto and be disconnected. Whenever you go out to meet people, you worry about different things like getting dressed neatly, trying out a new place to meet, being punctual, being active etc whereas social media facilitates laziness. Our relationships with people outside are already in jeopardy, it reduces family closeness too.

Social media is unreliable; your data might get leaked or hacked. It is time consuming; you don’t do anything productive if you engage for long hours on some random topic. It makes you idle. Your vacations with friends, family, colleagues may get spoiled if you’re addicted to use your mobile while travelling, unless you’re clicking pictures. Which of course, almost more than 50% people use their cells, not brains, pun intended. One peculiar thing about social media is that it is dynamic, keeps changing from time to time. These changes are constant and may come in between your daily rituals. Lastly, it can be dangerous for people when misused for targeted abuse & harassment. Anyone can bully, name-call, defame, body shame, abuse & threaten you thus viciously play with your mind. That is why it is important to keep a check on whatever you’re doing online.

Try to minimise usage of online surfing, restrict it to work related. Beware of the fraudsters, protect your identity, act smart & be careful of people whom you talk to. One must plan out the schedule wisely. Everything in a limit is understandable but excess of anything is bad even for your mental, physical, emotional, and social well-being. Gain some insight from successful people. Focus on expanding your ideas online. Keep no inhibitions. Don’t crave for instant gratification or seek approval by some random third person. Trust people in real life. Generate curiosity for the greater good. Find time for your personal grooming, family, your actual friends, office mates. Keep some time for your recreation. Make up for the time being wasted. Well enough said. Now as you can see, how social media impacts our life, I will conclude it and would apologetically like to leave it at your discretion, to decide what is right and what should be done. See for yourself as to where you stand in this context and have you found any meaning.

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Social isolation, staying locked in room, drug/alcohol abuse are signs of an individual being in extreme distress and are not to be ignored by family & friends. The feelings of insecurity, helplessness & loneliness, domestic/family matters, filial ingratitude, displeasure of those who matter; burden the mind with negativity thus generating unpleasant thoughts which increase the stress level making the individual prone to anxiety & depression. Talking & listening to them often, letting them share what is happening in their life & vent their pent up feelings is reassuring and the awareness gained helps the individual to de-stress. In order to be happy and stress free, forego self centered attitude, show compassion & make others happy.  

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Social media often creates problems in relationships from being cheated, to being bullied, to being suspected of doing malicious activities, to breaking up, hatred and jealousy, from being completely loyal to arising misunderstandings etc. Not only your relationship with your partner, but also with your family members. Glued to the gadget, lost in chat with someone miles away, oblivious to the presence of family members even while living under one roof you start to push them away gradually breaking bonds instead of strengthening them, finally into an abyss.  The collateral damage is, in absence of strong bond, we do not open up about stress we are facing & bury the same deep inside us, feel lonely paving the way for anxiety, depression and even suicide.

Hope you can definitely relate. And I want to ask, why? Why do you have to use in excess? There should be a limit, don’t you think? I mean why burden yourself so much? Don’t you agree that a close knit bond in its natural and practical state remains forever, take your time to ponder upon and conclude. Another drawback to the over usage, is lowering of working productivity. Constant usage of social media makes you dull, lethargic, engrosses you into boredom, loss of creativity, makes you think off topic, makes you hyper & creates stress. You’re not able to give your 100%. It is okay and essential to have little breaks while working but don’t let that break turn into hours which will make you repent later. Some social networking sites don’t come with warnings; they just enter all of a sudden and to your astonishment, spoil you. I’m talking about the number of illegal crimes, large extent of cyber bullying, pro hacking, deliberately leaking your information, and lastly virus attacks. It opens up the opportunity for fraud and launch spam, further leading to identity theft. This may lead to cause panic, anxiety and even depression. Now would you like that? You know the answer, I mean who likes to be in stress. Adding to this, social media also gives rise to health issues. Prolonged use has negative effects on your health, darkened patches under the eye, strain in the eyes, inadequate sleep, loss of energy, laziness creeps into your soul, irregular diet, no physical activity, finger  pain due to constant typing. Apart from these stated as above, there are some more in depth talks, that need to be told. It is often claimed that usage of social networking lacks emotional connection and obviously yes, it is true. Real and long lasting emotions are felt by showing your presence. You tend to connect easily if you’re actually seeing or feeling those emotions and not by some stickers or emojis sent online,  whatever they maybe like happiness, anger, sadness or excitement. 

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

As a psychologist I am here to discuss issues which are unheard of, “The unspoken truth in the current scenario”. You might be wondering, why am I even discussing the advantages and explaining about social media, everybody knows that right?, but I wanted to share it because I didn’t want my readers to think that my viewpoint and approach is prejudiced and altogether towards the negative side. In fact I wholeheartedly support the use of networking and how it has helped in shaping our attitude, interest, aptitude, mind, work, recreation and of course revolutionized our freedom of speech. I don’t beg to differ from, but I use this, my voice, to make sure that you understand from the psychological point, regardless of it’s being great invention.

Now the time for some reality check. Social media is undoubtedly a huge distraction. Most of the students suffer from this. Getting distracted is very easy unlike gaining focus. Whether a new video going viral or a text from a friend, or just random scrolling your mobile screen creates loss of focus and one can lose track of time. It diverts your mind from doing whatever you were doing. Slowly with course of time, it becomes an addiction. You feel the need to be busy with your phone. It’s all a beautiful illusion for you. Your mind responds to the beep or vibration, acting as stimuli, of your device. A spectrum of another dimension originates. What are you missing? The current time in your hands wasted & going down the drain thus missing your work. Your very existence is merely subjected to what’s happening in your social media. The gadget in your hands becomes your partner and making your mind blank without informing. Students tend to forget their task at hand and thus facing constant nagging from parents. We see extremity when you don’t want to reflect on what you’re doing. There is no right or wrong for you, just pure leisure in ignoring the real world.

Imagine a family of four and everybody is just busy with their cell phones, would you call that a family? These types of families forget the real meaning of bonding and spending valuable time together, they forget what togetherness is. It creates barriers for love, belongingness, compassion, empathy. I’m sure no one would like that unless you think otherwise. 

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Self awareness and self discovery helps an individual keep one’s ego in check and align his/her thoughts, words and action. Indulge in self talk and transform negative emotions in sub conscious mind into positive emotions of compassion, care and love. Have faith in self don’t say farewell to your confidence. Act with a purpose and rejuvenate your power to create.

One’s endeavour must be to nurture and prepare children for deepening their connection with life to grow into a balanced person. Assist them inculcate ethics, sense of social responsibility and self-regulation of their actions & behaviour to enable them deal with the challenges of life. Teach them to have an open mind to embrace new ideas and perspectives, reinvent self and take charge of their minds to promote personal growth. The impressions fed & rooted in subconscious mind as kids, when their mental capacity & judgement is limited, forms their habits, beliefs and behaviour. The traumatic memories & painful emotions rooted in subconscious mind cause anxiety.  Create an environment such as proximity to nature, music, poetry, inspirational reading etc. such that the kid entertains positive thoughts & transforms the negative emotions in sub conscious mind into positive emotions of compassion, care and love.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

First let us discuss the usage of social media. One of the main uses is to interact with the audience to create awareness of their brand or service, with the main idea of creating a two-way communication system where the customer can interact back providing feedback is just one example. Let us highlight some recent statistical data. There are 3.2 billion social media users worldwide. Facebook is the most popular social media applications with 68% subscribers. Users spend on an average of 2 hours and 22 minutes per day on social networks and messaging. Does it alarm you? Indeed it does. 73% of marketing is done through social media. 49% of consumers claim that they depend on influencer recommendations on social media to take informed purchasing decision.  500 million daily active stories worldwide on Instagram. 91% of all social media users access social channels via mobile devices. Does this astonish you? Indeed it does. Well that’s the way of life now.

Younger generation indulges to make online connections, blindly following strangers, dealing with hate comments and negativity on public domains ignoring the ones present in real life. Students use mobile more than their books, people greet via messages instead of calling or greeting in person, even pets have their own accounts and many more interesting happenings. Happy slaves of the technology.

This wide scale use of internet has its merits and de-merits. There can be numerous debates about how effective social media is for everyone and is the need of the hour. It is a topic that divides opinions- some people think it’s an amazing tool but others are worried about the impact it has on people’s lives. But keep aside that and focus on what will be explained here. To start with the merits, first up, technological literacy i.e. all social media is relying on advanced information and communication that seamlessly works to build and support across the globe. Everyone has become handy at using mobile devices that anything is just a click away. It provides with a platform for online sharing of abundant knowledge among people sitting miles apart from each other. Secondly students can benefit by enhancing their thought processing after getting exposed to variety of opinions from experts worldwide, which I consider to be an immense boost to their skills. They can form solid global connections and get proper guidance by following the thinkers and great educators at their profiles. It gives them a broader perspective of everything they learn. Thirdly, social media brings people together in the form of different networking applications, where they can converse freely and speak their views. They can form new relations on virtual dating applications, meet their old friends of course, interact with unknown people just to get an insight of their mind and express feeling of belongingness to their loved ones. Social media is a big window of opportunity to widen business, another important point. It could always be a fun and creative method of doing your business to promote or enterprise yourself all over. It allows employees to discuss and share ideas, ask questions, post latest updates and news, and share links. It helps to improve business reputation as well. It helps in marketing one’s business worldwide. Fifth, the perfect advertising spot, it attracts/draws attention. Anything which is appealing to the eye and is trending in society always lures a person to either read, know, explore, venture, use or just plainly follow. It helps bloggers, to influence people by their experiences and work. It also motivates others to follow their passions. Social media is full of entertainment and I think a lot of people are busy laughing their guts out over funny videos being shared. Social media somehow also helps to boost self-esteem for an individual, as being afraid to come out in open, they can express their thoughts online through video sharing domains. Now I’m not much knowledgeable about how finance works, but social media creates opportunities for monetization. Being glued to internet can be comforting too as everything is just within the grasp of everyone. There are actually a lot of things which can be done via social media, but then again that’s not what I’m trying to contemplate.

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It shall pass…

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & counselor, Chandigarh

It shall pass…

Something is playing at the back of mind all the time which requires tremendous adaptability. It carries so much conviction that an individual starts believing that something awful is going to happen for sure. It gives one jitters and makes one internalise the negatives about self like I am not smart enough, I am not worthy enough, I am at fault or am not making adequate efforts. With time these nagging thoughts get too much personalised as if all the incidents happening around are because of self and takes over one’s identity & life. How do we tackle such a mind, held hostage to this something playing at the back of it. Provide some time for self to rest, read, exercise or pursue relaxing hobby. Spend time with those who matter and make you feel happy. Frequently talk to support group explaining the situation and how you intend to handle it.  Do not try to control situations and their outcomes. Understand that every one faces failure & meets disappointments in the struggle of life. Introspect, appreciate self for the small efforts you make, practice gratitude for what you have, learn to be patient, avoid negative self-talk, inculcate emotional resilience and tell self it shall pass.

Psy talk contd....

Anmol Singh=Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Social Media: We live in a haphazard world, surrounded by a generation where everyone is technologically advanced. In the last decade or so, social media has seen a drastic change.  Over the years the usage of social media has severely increased, mostly among the younger lot. Many countries have swiftly thrived forward towards rapid progress on a global index, by promoting social media applications and further developing latest technology. No doubt social media is a quick access to all the information and keeps us updated on everything happening around. It is certainly a boon to the IT industries and so forth. It keeps hundreds and thousands of people engaged in something or the other. It provides for work to people in some areas like blogging, journalism etc where they can share their views.

Now coming back to the topic, what exactly is social media? Social media are websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in networking online. For individuals, social media is used to keep in touch with friends, partners and extended family members. There are various types of social media i.e. networking sites, review sites, image sharing sites, video hosting sites, community blogs, discussion sites, sharing economy networks etc. We can endlessly go on talking about what social media is and how it helps everyone and why is it of so much importance to using today’s time.

But let’s come direct to the point where I’ll let you think whether it gives you happiness, satisfaction or have you really become a prisoner to digital world with no escape. But remember, before reading it further, we shall be talking about extensive and unstoppable usage of social media, discuss its pros and cons and if it’s really an addiction or just a hoax. People in today’s time have become quite occupied with their work that they hardly get time for themselves. Human beings have been fixated so much with their schedule that the lifestyle has completely changed. From almost meeting your favorite ones on a daily basis, to forgetting to even ask about their good health. Who is to blame? No one but you. We lose many loved ones in reality and find strangers to talk online and hope to share a deep bond with them. And the list of different opinions goes on even further. 

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

The moment you observe that fear, anxiety, frustration, simmering resentment & anger threaten to invade your mind, seek remedial measures. All these can drive an individual onto self-inflicted/ self-destructive violent act. The exposure to such traumatic incidents transforms the individual into a complete emotional & physical wreck. The life of dignity & love is lost and becomes a rarity.  Psychologists & psychotherapists help the individual take positive actions which alter the structure of their emotions leading to maintenance of good mental and physical health.  

Psy talk contd...

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Remember your dignity is sacrosanct and you are in charge of your life wherever you want to take it. You have to think what is good & beneficial for you and your mental health. Happiness is the key. Never nurture regrets in life as it makes you a coward. If you can learn to accept your past and move on for a better life, you shall always remain happy and contented. It is important to be supportive to self and improve upon your way of thinking. If we share our hardships with our support group, we receive encouragement from others that can help us re-focus on our strengths, courage and perseverance to develop innate genius & realise full potential. Believe in yourself that you can do it. You can take control of your life by proper management of thoughts, tolerate and celebrate dissent.  See the good in you. The decisions of your life lie in your hands. By being positive you help yourself, your people and the society around you. Attract positive energy and reflect kind emotions. The sense of affinity and empathy for others expressed are the values that make the world a better place.

There are numerous ways to make yourself positive i.e. set goals, plan out daily schedule and work towards them taking smaller steps to success, change your perception, work upon the spoken language & ignore negative talks, don’t be harsh to your emotions but understand them, adopt a helpful nature, practice gratitude & random acts of kindness, exercise regularly, eat healthy, listen to music that calms your mind, meditate, maintain positive environment, involve in outdoor activities, keep smiling every day and encourage others to do so. Life is beautiful if we remain positive and look for brighter optimistic ways to have a rejoiceful and fruitful living. There is no harm in taking control of your life. It makes you feel proud, increases self-esteem, helps in better reasoning of things and lifts up your morale to another level. So make way for thankfulness.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

It is quite common to have negative thoughts but you will only find peace within yourself if you choose to learn from mistakes and avoid conflicts. One needs to divert one’s mind and pay less attention to negative thoughts. You have to imagine yourself as a person who is able to deal with anything that life offers and become an improved version of yourself. Remain engaged in activities you like & which are for self-improvement, as it helps in maintaining a stable mind. Think of happiness as a by-product of living an engaged life. By remaining positive, a person automatically reduces negative thoughts culminating in being relieved of unnecessary stress.

Positive thinking often starts with self-talk.  A person needs to understand self in the first place in order to have calm mind. A healthy mind increases your life span. An optimistic attitude helps you maintain good health. There are a lot of health benefits by remaining positive. One needs to keep focus on improving day by day. What you think is what you become. Filter your mind regularly. Foremost thing to do is to stop generalizing things. Not all individuals think alike. Each one differs in their thoughts. Let go off things which cause pain and disturb you. Neither personalize nor take the blame on you. Stop anticipating the worst. Look for a new direction. There is always someone to guide you better and help you. Your mind is your friend. Don’t let your friend down, because of bad experiences. Instead look for areas to change, follow a healthy lifestyle and surround self with positive people.

Learn to accept yourself the way you are because everyone is unique. Do not be judgemental about things; rather find proper solutions to your problems. Keep realistic goals and maintain your hope. Be kind to everyone around you and spread happiness. Practice gratitude often by saying thanks to people that came in life and taught you lessons. Appreciate the little things in life, interact with people around you and keep awareness. Reframe your negative thoughts into positive ones. Make valuable use of your life and be humble always. Choose what is right for you and support yourself in every situation. Don’t feel let down, rather get up and work towards creating a positive atmosphere around you. Avoid negative influences because once you achieve that, you will be very much satisfied with your decisions. Deal with your past happenings with strong affirmations of removing stress and lighting up your inner peace. A person does not find success in one go. You need to learn, accept failure, find ways to improve, give room to new possibilities and then follow the path of righteousness.

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Psy talk - Being positive

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Being Positive: An individual with a positive mindset can be called a completely healthy person. Your positive mind will help you develop a charming and pleasant personality which might be appealing to all.  An individual’s outlook towards life paves the path for their growth which can be either a successful one or doomed to go down. The responsibility solely lies in the hands of the individuals as to what they want to achieve in life. A positive frame of mind having divine and peaceful thoughts channelizes a person towards striving for a better and satisfactory life. It is essential for everyone to remain calm and positive in all situations they face during the course of their life journey.  A positive person focuses more on what’s good in their life, finds joy in the simple things and carries an attitude of gratitude. A positive attitude helps to cope more easily with the daily affairs. It brings a sense of optimism and removes the negative thinking. It all depends on how you adapt to the way of life. A person can choose to be either shaken away by difficult situations or act smartly to overcome them and count it as an experience. Experiences in life teach you a lot. It helps in changing your perspectives towards certain things. Any kind of experience in life should be counted worth as it shapes your personality. Nothing is negative at all times. But it is important to be hopeful and move in a right direction to achieve something. A person should not crib about whatever they have gone through, rather face it confidently and enjoy it.

Remember whatever happened to you, cope up with it, look for a brighter side, work towards enhancing your confidence and lastly keep hope. It is important to know about the darker aspects but it is necessary to remain positive also challenging them and then finally coming out strong. You need to be motivated to do something good for yourself, for your mental health. A person must always cherish life events and learn from them. Life is a journey itself. Every stage of life is a guiding light for your betterment. All you have to do is to select a path essential for your upliftment. One should be grateful as much as one can in order to reach self-actualization.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Now if we are to discuss the reasons as to why the students are bullied, it is quite complex because there can be number of explanations behind it. Mainly these students are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight, underweight, wearing glasses or different clothing, being new to school, or being unable to afford what kids consider ‘’cool’’. They are considered to be weak and are unable to defend themselves. They are depressed, anxious or have low self-esteem. Children are often categorized as less popular and having few friends, not getting along-with with others, seen as annoying or provoking. They become soft and easy targets for the bully to overpower. This is unacceptable. Bullies have no self-respect either. They are not groomed well enough to understand the pain behind it. It may be because of bad parenting or environment around.

Let’s ponder upon the effects of bullying on students. Those who are victims of bullying suffer from emotional anxiety i.e. they live in stress, fear and somewhere in their heart there is anger and resentment. They fail to recognize their true self and lose confidence. As a result they are low on aspects of self-esteem since difficult past memories linger in their minds of which they are not able to cope up with. You can witness a change in the sleep pattern followed by an unhealthy lifestyle. They tend to have health complaints, and show loss of interest. The major effect is loneliness. When you have no one around you to share your thoughts or emotions with, then it pinches you more. Everybody needs support whether mental, emotional, social or financial.

Now let us answer this simple question, why do bullies have this problem of regularly disturbing others. Some of the factors are like being aggressive in nature or easily frustrated, think badly of others, having difficulty in following rules, viewing violence in positive way, having friends who in turn bully too, having some kind of social power either real or false hope, overly worried about their fame and popularity. Many people ask about the signs to identify the children, those who are being bullied which maybe alarming for anyone. Children have unexplainable injuries, lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronic items etc. They suffer from frequent headaches or stomach aches, feel sick regularly or start faking their illness to avoid conflicts. Often parents suspect to see their ward having changes in eating habits like skipping meals or binge eating. Face difficulty in sleeping or dream of terrifying nightmares. Teachers get concerned over declining grades and loss of interest in studies. All of a sudden the victim starts to avoid social gatherings hence distancing from friends. A feeling of helplessness overwhelms the happy go lucky state of mind. Too much extreme, students depict self-destructive behaviour such as running away from home, harming themselves or talking about suicide. Now you tell me, what do you make of this act. Is it really worth it? Does it help anyone? Does it give you a sense of peace of mind or makes you shiver? Should it be allowed to continue? The answer would be ‘No’. I think most of us would agree that is causes severe damage to both the parties. It is an act of cowardice, foolishness and considered to be utter whimsical thinking. This is disgraceful and everyone should be vigilant about it. You need to stand up for yourself and others. One must get back that lost self-esteem and regain the confidence. Be mature enough to stand up against it. Precaution and safety measures need to be understood to curb this social stigma. Bullying is an adversity which needs to be corrected. Not only in schools, but also it is often seen in work places, even at home from siblings. This ill treatment of fellow peers, co-workers, and comparisons at home need to be changed for good and kept an eye on constantly. Everyone needs to understand the basic essentiality of this situation and keep self aware. We often say ‘’ignorance is bliss’’ and it is true to some extent. The more you tend to ignore someone for their bad deeds, the less trouble you invite. There is no harm in being responsive and confronting the person then and there. That means you stood up for what is wrong. One should never have fear and remember not to bully back. Be assertive, be aware and be prepared always. Feel free to talk or share your emotions with an adult like parents or teacher or a counsellor who can guide better. Never underestimate yourself and never suppress whatever you feel. Expression of feelings gives you strength and might console you. Creating a support group always helps to discuss issues like these. This needs to be stopped collectively as a society and people should work upon this immensely to eradicate this negative influencer.

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Psy talk contd.....

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Let us understand the cause of bullying, a heinous act. Why do students get compelled to indulge in such acts and why is it that the victims of bullying are unheard and ignored. Why do the guilty walk away freely and the foul cries still lurk in schools or colleges. Let’s discuss some of the main causes of bullying.

First and foremost is the urge to display power among peers and maintain that gap of seniority. Secondly, we often see that because of a student having materialistic worldly possessions, the other not having it, gives rise to jealousy factor. This jealousy might develop into frustration, another cause for bullying. Sometimes students come to school totally frustrated because of the negative environment at home. Maybe they don’t want to go school and are being forced, or they were scolded/had a quarrel with parents over some issues, or they had a fight with their close friend  or fear of facing the teacher or the need to escape punishment for not doing their work, or the student is negative about himself and others around. All these kinds of situations provoke anger and stress which is all then directed towards shy/meek students to release emotions. The fourth cause can be of seeking attention from other students who are a witness to the act of bullying. Everybody loves their popularity whether it may be for a good reason or a bad one. Students claim for instant fame which can prolong for a long time. Personality plays an important role. The moral values and respect for others emotions seems blurred as a result of negative and unsupportive parenting. This in turn speaks high volume for students having lack of empathy, another causal factor. They are not concerned with the fact that they might disturb others feelings which might leave a scar in the victims mind. Crowd cheering and appreciation from fellow and alike friends gives rise to bullying, it promotes the insanity act. This ‘getting to be known’ or becoming eye candy in front of others is called rewards, the last cause. The doer considers this bullying as an opportunity to be famous for all the wrong reasons. But what do they get out of this? ‘’Nothing’’. I see bullying to be just a way to hide emotions, display negative characteristics, to escape from reality, to present their upbringing to the world.

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Psy talk contd... Bullying

Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

1.      Bullying: Bullying is an unwanted & unethical aggression exhibited by children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. It is a dominating behaviour depicting power difference between students of all ages. This behaviour is violent, uncalled for and there is nothing good about it. It is a way of showing superiority and labelling weaker ones as inferior. It takes place because of lack of moral education. Students are not aware of the repercussions of the act of bullying. Nobody likes to be bullied. It is quite harmful and can create an ever lasting impact on the mind of students. Angered students bully meek, fellow students as they think that it might be of greater importance to them and they can show case their superiority by doing so. They consider it to be a real authority while others conceptualize it as a perceived one i.e. thinking of oneself above all others.  This act of behaviour is habitual and repeated over time as bullying provides for instant gratification and a pseudo sense of pride. Both the kids, who are bullied and who bully others, may have serious lasting problems in life. Bullying has many forms i.e. name calling, threatening, usage of mean words, pushing, teasing, cyber bullying, gossiping etc. Bullying can be categorised in 3 types which are verbal, social and physical. Verbal bullying includes saying or writing mean things, teasing, taunting, inappropriate comments and threatening to cause harm. Relational bullying or referred to as social bullying includes hurting someone’s reputation or relationships, spreading rumours, excluding on purpose and embarrassing in public areas. Hurting a person’s body or possessions, hitting, kicking, pinching, tripping, breaking things and rude hand gestures come in the last category of physical bullying.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

However everything is not a bed of roses. A rose comes with thorns too. What we really need to do is to identify, remove those thorns and be happy within ourselves to grow into a productive tree. Families complain about generation gap and not being able to cope up with each other. Ever wondered why is that? It may be because of one’s own wrong introspection or negative conscience, the inability to deal with issues in life or egoistic attitude which hinders with the once desired outcome. One’s resentment towards something new might cause pain to others. Unnecessary arguments kill the positive aura of the family. One’s irrelevant and uncalled hatred towards a particular member creates disharmony. Arrogance, not paying attention, being unsupportive, over protection, loose talks, constant bickering, over dominance, higher expectations, nagging, forgetting priorities , accusing each other, having secrets, being dishonest etc, are some of the main causes of disruption of family ties, thus expanding the relation in opposite directions. Family members complain about children not spending time with them, not listening, not behaving, always arguing and going off track. They also come up with issues of disconnecting with other senior members. There are numerous things one goes through. But did you ever pause for a second and gave a thought to self. Maybe you’re the reason for all this. Maybe the picture is not clear to you. Love is the medicine for all hate. Look within your soul and work on that. There is no harm in putting restrictions on children if they are out of context, or even making others understand your viewpoint. But you need to learn to be patient and remain calm and deal with problems carefully. There are ways to spend quality time and improve your relations at home. Firstly, talk to your family members regularly and even at the end of the day. One should know about each other more often. Whatever topic it maybe, do not feel shy to express your feelings. Be reassured that you’re not alone. Doing fun activities, such as walking together, visiting places, limited social media, taking interest in hobbies, cooking together, cleaning the home etc can help in refurbishing your relation with family. Listening and communicating is another key factor for improvement. Sweet gestures or appreciation can help rediscovery of emotions. You can also be genuine and be the best of yourself and show concern. Don’t hide your feelings, share your thoughts often. Happiness can also be found if you give surprises to your family members. Wish them with love and respect. Be calm and don’t be angry at all times. Don’t shift your outburst on someone else. Be relaxed, process your day, choose your words wisely and then start to converse. Do not be rude, politeness is the key to a reliable relation. Lastly self-love is essential. Love is the medicine for all hate. If you can’t love or appreciate yourself, without bothering what others say or think about you, you can’t give the same to others. Picking up from self-love onto loving others, look within your soul and work on that.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

A family relation, bond of blood entrusted by the almighty at birth, is sacred and a special moment for family members. The day you take birth, your journey starts. It is called consanguinity or blood relation, the property of being from the same kinship as another person. It is the quality of being descendent from the same ancestor as another person. A family consists of a mother, father, you and possibly your siblings all under one roof. Each has their own way of life with different priorities but share a connection which keeps them close. That belongingness, that love, that affection, that care is what makes a family. A family relation is driven by a common force of togetherness. The time spent is precious and lasts forever. It goes on for generations. The family wheel is run by supporting each other through good and bad times. It is necessary for everyone in the family to understand what situations are and how to deal with them. That’s how the relation will grow stronger. There should be no time or space for comparison, bad mouthing, provocation, anger, sadness, jealousy, ego or even competition for that matter. Everyone should have a loving family where there is positivity and harmony. Negative thoughts or actions can derail the connection. An openness to different opinions and to learning new ideas should be welcomed and appreciated. Family is considered to be the guiding light for a person who has lost directions. They help you to get back on track. This can be achieved by positive reinforcing. A happy family is a family having deep sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. Unconditional love is the secret to a happy family. And with this it leads to building up a strong and create a protective relation.

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It is essential for you to know what exactly you want. A kind of love, mutual respect, understanding & meeting of minds is what makes relationship last.  Partners must be able to communicate their deepest fears without being judged.   Love yourself first. Let us state out some reasons of why relationship don’t work out. We can basically call them ‘’killers of a relation”. Taking each other for granted and absence of appreciation for each other rather than adapting to the evolving relationship erodes the bond. Laziness kills a relation. Of course no one would like to be with a person who is lethargic. Not being loyal to your partner kills a relation. You’re playing with someone’s faith in you. If either of the partners is disloyal and you can see the signs, leave immediately, don’t linger on and give second chance. They don’t deserve it. Save yourself. One, who wants to be with you, will be with you, no matter what. Don’t trust blindly. Carefully examine everything. Suspicion is another reason. Examining does not mean interfering in private space. When in relationship, have faith if the person is loyal and honest. Your uncalled doubts should not be in excess. Lack of mutual respect for each other does not hold up a relationship. It is doomed to go down. It is simple. You have to be supportive of whatever has or will happen. Giving due respect is priority. Accept the way your partner is. Don’t look for gold every time. Unnecessary arguments/conflicts mainly because of poor communication skills/understanding, inability to express feelings, showing pseudo superiority, and combative voice tone do not work in favour of a relationship.  Why, because you’re too adamant and have an egoistic attitude. Sadly to say, you are not the right person. Every form of infidelity whether be it financial, emotional, psychological, material can lead to a spoil in the relation. Being a liar or over possessiveness, easily destroys the bond. Be true in every aspect. Understand each other. Grow together. Constant nagging by either of the partner, male dominance or female advocacy, kills relationship. Infuriated anger, being insensitive and non-emotional are other factors. Why even to cling on to people who show this kind of behaviour. They are certainly not humane. As a person you should be keen in observing this kind of things happening around. Love is blind, they say because you are not able to see a clear picture. People are often afraid to break up steadily or speak up against something. Change it. No one owns you. It is you before them. If you can’t be happy together, then why be together. Maintain self-respect, your life holds a value. One should honour it. Be out of a toxic relation as soon as possible. Don’t give into your feelings. Analyse it. People also say to give second chance. But do you really think you should? You may if the person has decided to change willingly, otherwise strictly No.  Lack of determination, hate speeches, abuse, cheating are also a major cause for break up. Excessive use of social media can be a reason for break up. See people have issues. No one is perfect. But it is upon you, what do you want Happiness or sadness.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

Those in relationship are facing issues, and those who are not, are craving to be in one, while some are happily single. I wonder as to why this occurs. The answer is very simple. We’re at war with our own thoughts. Our mind says something but our heart wants something different. We’re not satisfied. We’re not happy. We’re not at peace.

Why does it happen that people are not satisfied, drift away, feel disrespected, misused & hurt, often get abused and break up. Let me lay it out for you in simple terms. The true essence of love has lost its way. People don’t accept the way others are. Everybody is busy in making his/her choices & opinions. They go after perfection. Everyone is after the outer beauty. There is no regard for what’s inside. Remind you, inner beauty never fades and stays till the end. People forget that there is no shortcut to happiness. Everything takes time. It is all about how you perceive. If it is unhealthy, it shall remain the same unless you change it. Acceptance comes from within. What your soul wants, eventually you will get it. But you have to keep patience. That doesn’t give you a right to go around and break hearts. Remember a broken heart takes time to heal. Step into someone else’s shoes and feel their pain. Only then you will realize the importance of safeguarding the basic foundation of relationship.

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Anmol Singh-Psychologist & Counselor, Chandigarh

There are many people who are in a stable relationship and going stronger every day. They’re content and happy with their partners. Some are together for years and still hold the same charm. Some are newbie, trying to build a future together fighting against all odds keeping faith in each other and prospering. These are the stories we must look for. There is a lot we can learn from them.

What makes them so passionate to continue with their relationship? The answer can be simply expressed in the form of two words i.e. loyalty and understanding, the basis of any healthy relationship. The relationship is nurtured and flourishes because of these two words spoken by their actions and the commitment. If it’s not there, it wouldn’t work. Honest couples often know what to do to keep the spark in their relation and it’s a mutual effort by both, giving surprises, comforting each other, being trustworthy, being a good listener & understanding each other’s needs, sincere discussions & resolving issues together, sparing time for each other, providing lots of care & unconditional love and most importantly mutual respect. These ingredients build a forever kind of relationship. If all these things are taken seriously, it makes it perfect. Two people coming together in a bond for longevity, makes a relationship blissful. 

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Today’s youth is facing & grappling with an issue “the modern love”.  Almost everyone desires and is in search of meeting someone special to love, care & respect and who is loyal to him/her but the struggle is real. It is a tough task to find this someone because there are lot of other things to be taken care of in today’s fast paced life. There is no denying the fact that every young is bound to experience this struggle in his/her life but eventually after a lot of trials and failed attempts; the modern time individual finally settles with their better half.

The basic concept of a relationship has changed. You really need to understand is that your self-esteem, your life goals, your family, your values, your smile, your peace of mind and you as unique identity is important. Self-love, self-care is the need of the hour. Never ever sacrifice these for those who simply can’t afford it. One must know what is right and what is wrong. A well-mannered, educated, respectful, lively, at peace in mind and one who is loving at heart is always a better choice than anyone having no goals, no mannerism, no way of talking and who just owns things, no matter how great they look. Rise above materialism, outer beauty, worldly possessions, and irrelevant followers. Instead look deep within a person, love their purity, their lovely gestures, their genuineness and kindness and truly one day you shall find what you are looking for.

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